Through the Smoke

Seeing Systems, Finding Home

Category: Resilience (Page 1 of 2)

Instead of “stress management,” which has so many negative connotations, consider the attitudes and activities that allow you to thrive under pressure as sources of resilience.

Living Disconnected

November 12, 2019 /

Excerpted from “Stress Into Strength: Resilience Routines for Warriors, Wimps and Everybody in Between.”


Don’t beat yourself up for feeling stressed, anxious, and not resilient enough – you are far from alone. Although we are living in the most technologically connected culture that has ever existed, many of us are sorely lacking habits that address isolation, inactivity, and meaninglessness. Many are so disconnected from stress recovery that they don’t even know what is missing. They just know they are anxious and saddest of all, lonely — some profoundly so.

City, People, Street, Night, Lights, Man, Dark, Lonely


An astonishing 40 percent of American adults report feeling lonely. Millions of people, especially men, have zero close friends. Loneliness rates have doubled since the 1980s. Ask a therapist what problems walk into their offices each day and you will hear that loneliness and anxiety top the list, by far.

Loneliness is lethal. Researchers have found that it dramatically raises heart disease and stroke rates, increasing your risk of early death by 30 percent, taking an average of 10 years off your lifespan. It is also expensive – the U.S. government spends an estimated $6.7 billion annually to address social isolation in older adults. Vivek Murthy, the former U.S. Surgeon General, says that the most concerning health issue in the United States is not cancer, heart disease or obesity. It is isolation.

Our disconnection is not just social. We have also abandoned routines for physical and spiritual exercise and recovery. Compared with our predecessors, we work out less, eat worse, get less sleep, gain more debt, pay to store more stuff, and generate more trash. We are more cynical, less inspired, and motivated. We skip reassuring rituals and “go it alone” rather than be mentored or mentoring, while allowing money and power to trump morality.

Trapped in the perpetual stress of fearing stress, while disconnected from sources of recovery, we become increasingly reluctant to take on the challenges that we need to stay strong, grow and bounce back after adversity.

Every one of the social and psychological causes of depression and anxiety… has something in common. They are all forms of disconnection. They are all ways in which we have been cut off from something we innately need but seem to have lost along the way

Johann Hari

We tolerate disconnection because it can yield a certain success – for a while. Compromising social and family life, workouts, and values, allows us to work long hours, make money and get promoted, gaining power and prestige. This doesn’t end well. Eventually, life presents difficulties that cannot be solved with money or power (although they enable formidable distractions).

Past generations had more stress recovery built into daily life. Shared meals, entertainment and work were the norm. Long commutes were impractical, schools and jobs were local, so people worked and went to school with friends and neighbors. Less automation and more expensive energy demanded more activity. Processed and junk food were less available. Churches and social clubs, now starving for members, were part of the majority’s lives, solidifying community connections.

Today, we have the most powerful information-sharing system in history, the Internet. However, our negative bias is at home there; most of what we share and read is shocking news, gossip, and posturing, poisonous to healthy relationships.

Research shows that the same content in an email and in in-person dialogue sounds less polite in the email.

Amit Sood

We face new threats – global terrorism, mass shootings, job insecurity, enormous debt, climate change. Institutions — political, religious, academic, media — have lost much of their trust and authority. Greed, extremism, and scandals have created a void of wisdom, meaning, values, morality, and purpose. Few cultural leaders have hesitated to capitalize on fear, amplifying our stress reactions and feeding the vicious cycle of disconnection.

Threatened by modern fears, adrift and uninspired, we naturally react with fight-or-flight. Some fight by trying to become more self-sufficient; these are the libertarians and “preppers,” expecting apocalypse. Others flee via distractions and indulgences to mask worries and helplessness; illness, addiction and bankruptcy too often result. As long as we keep fighting and fleeing, disconnection deepens.

We are not likely to forget that we sometimes must fear or distrust strangers. We need to know, thoroughly and intuitively, that although some people will neglect, reject, and hurt us, we are not alone. We need to care and be cared for.

We are unlikely to forget that the universe has diseases and dangers that can injure and kill us. We need to know, thoroughly and intuitively, that the physical world is our home, nourishing and sustaining us. We are creation’s beneficiaries and stewards.

Few of us will forget that we are far from perfect. We need to know, thoroughly and intuitively, that we are forgiven and accepted as we are, one body of humanity even as we are individuals.

More than we need reminders of what to fear, we need to give and receive reminders of gratitude and generosity. We need five or ten reminders of what’s good in life for every reminder of what’s not.

Deep disconnection – having little or no sense of belonging just as you are – makes isolation, physical pain and meaninglessness feel permanent or intolerable. Dysfunction and addictions follow.

In this environment, calls for “trigger warnings” (which research suggests don’t work) and bans on “micro-aggression” are not surprising. If you see stress as a problem to avoid, it makes sense to hold others responsible for causing it. However, your difficulty coping probably has far less to do with their behavior and is more the result of disconnection from sources of recovery, healing and growth.

A culture of avoiding stress weakens everyone. “Stress-free living” is an oxymoron. When we advocate the goal of eliminating stress, we should not be surprised at the rise in addictions, distractions and the ultimate “stress reduction” — suicide, which has risen 24 percent in the last five years.
Resilience routines are antidotes to fear-based thinking and acting because they nourish and strengthen us in body, mind, and spirit. They can help you heal from the past, cope with the present and prepare for a better future.

To thrive in the 21st century, we must be more intentional about connection and recovery from stress than our parents or grandparents. We need to discern what truly threatens us and what does not, replacing the vicious cycle of fear, distraction, and disconnection with a virtuous cycle of connection and recovery.

It would be unfair to make these observations without acknowledging that racism, discrimination, circumstances, and privilege result in uneven opportunities to make the kinds of connections that build resilience. If you are struggling for basic survival, resilience routines may seem out of reach. If you are working multiple jobs just to make enough to pay the rent, eating well, getting exercise, and getting enough sleep may be impossible. That’s realism. However, resilience also calls for optimism, to have faith that even though the way forward individually is bleak, great transformation happens when many of us take small steps forward. Learning resilience is subversive, ultimately destructive to organizations and institutions that misuse or abuse their constituents.

surgery

Taking the Stress out of Surgery – With Amazing Results

November 2, 2018 /

Surgery is stressful. Even before they start cutting into your body, something stressful is going on – a disease or other problem that led to a surgeon’s office. Except for the most minor health problems, most of us have limited understanding of what’s going on, what can be done about it and what the outlook is. “Not knowing is hard,” I frequently say, to acknowledge the stress that arises from lack of knowledge.

I’ve been accompanying my brother on this kind of journey, as he received a scary diagnosis and underwent a big operation (which went even better than we dared hope, I’m happy to say). His surgery took place at Medical Center of the Carolinas, where we learned about a set of protocols called ERAS – Enhanced Recovery After Surgery. As they walked us through its components, I realized that ERAS is all about stress management – both physiological and psychological stress (the two are inseparable, but we sometimes forget that).

Here are the startling results when a hospital implements ERAS. Stay time drop up to 30 percent, complications drop by up to an astonishing 50 percent and your chance of dying drops similarly. Wow. (I will never have surgery in a hospital that hasn’t adopted ERAS.) One study showed that for a big, open abdominal operation like my brother had, ERAS reduces the recovery time and complications to about the same as if they’d operated laparoscopically (through tiny incisions). As a result of shorter hospital stays and fewer complications, costs go down, often dramatically, which is good for everyone.

Like other kinds of stress management, ERAS starts with education. On our first visit with the surgeon and team, they took their time, gave lots of information and patiently asked for and answered all of our questions. None of the rushing in and out that seems to be so often the norm in medicine. Surprising, considering that his surgeon is so skilled that people come from all over the world for his care.

We were asked to take a “class” (only the two of us were in it), where a nurse quite patiently walked us through all of the possible procedures the surgeon might have to do. She stepped through each post-op day of recovery, detailing what he would be eating, when he’d get out of bed (almost immediately), goals for each day (walk this far, eat this kind of food) and so forth. Even though it was a ton of information, the result was that we had an good picture of all of the possibilities and what they would mean in terms of recovery and possible tubes and drains they might have to put into him. Knowledge reduces stress.

One of the surprises was that ERAS does away with the ban on eating or drinking just before surgery. Although he needed to skip breakfast, they gave him two bottles of high-carbohydrate drinks. One was for the night before surgery, the other was for a few hours before. If you know much about stress, you are aware that it messes with your body’s endocrine system – blood sugar and related hormones. ERAS addresses the physiological stress response by carb loading prior to surgery – much like marathon runners do – and careful blood sugar monitoring afterwards. All of the education also undoubtedly helps manage those levels, since psychological stress also raises your sugar, cortisol and other “stress hormone” levels, which ultimately slow down healing and eventually cause health issues.

ERAS also includes pain management protocols because pain provokes your mind and body’s stress response. When ERAS is used, patients need less pain medication. ERAS even addresses simple things like ensuring that patients are kept warm. There are other, more medical aspects to ERAS (such as preventing blood clots), which aren’t as directly related to minimizing stress response.

The hospital also makes available an app, SeamlessMD, which coaches patients through all of this. I was impressed when I saw that its very first suggestion is to rally your social support. In virtually every study, social support is the most important factor in bouncing back, mitigating stress and thriving under pressure

In short, ERAS encompasses information, nutrition, exercise, social support – these are always the ingredients for resilience and thriving under stress. The big takeaway for me is to reinforce that stress is always physical, mental and spiritual. They cannot be separated. If we want to be more resilient, to thrive under stress and bounce back fast when life tosses us challenges or threats, we need to address mind, body and spirit.

Yes, spirit, also. Although ERAS doesn’t directly address what we’d normally think of as spiritual concerns, it implies a set of values consistent with our spiritual needs. ERAS calls upon hospital staff, patients, their families and friends to be generous with their time, knowledge and support. Although that’s not explicit or part of the research I reviewed, I have no doubt it affects outcomes a great deal.

On Becoming a Wildland Firefighter at 60

July 27, 2018 /

Friends who know me as a software and intelligence product manager and executive have asked how I ended up doing wildland firefighting with Spring Valley Fire Department. Believe me, I’ve asked myself the same question. It tends to pop into my head in situations such as hauling a 45-lb. pack up a steep hill in 90 degree weather and the air filled with smoke. I joke that that’s when I question my life choices. (Okay, it’s not entirely a joke.) Here’s how it happened.

Public safety is not new to me. I took a break from college decades ago and worked a few years as a paramedic. When I returned to school, I volunteered with the Salvation Army’s Emergency Disaster Services, which included feeding and caring for firefighters in Pittsburgh and surrounding areas. One of my friends from that group was a volunteer firefighter who was killed in the line of duty. His funeral had a profound effect on me, particularly the words, “Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).

Fourteen years ago I found myself at another line-of-duty-death funeral – for our niece’s husband, a U.S. Marine who was killed in action in Fallujah, Iraq. That helped me realize that I was still carrying a heavy “stress backpack” from things that happened long ago. I met Janet Childs, the director of the Bay Area Critical Incident Stress Management Team (CISM), who helped me begin to let go of some of that weight. I accepted her invitation to join the team, received training and began volunteering in crisis intervention.

One of our CISM team members, who became my mentor and spiritual director, was serving as a fire chaplain for a large agency. When he decided to step down, he asked if I would replace him. After a couple of weeks of debating, I said yes. During my chaplain training, I became friends with members of the CAL FIRE Employee Support Services team. I was part of a group of chaplains who responded to the Rocky Fire in Lake County in 2015. The enormous Valley Fire, also in Lake County, started a short time later and CAL FIRE hired me as a contractor for peer support.

After the Valley Fire, I decided I wanted more wildland fire training, for safety’s sake, so I joined the local CAL FIRE Volunteers in Prevention program. Our duties include operating a mobile command vehicle (I have a ham radio license, which is part of skills required), staffing the Copernicus Peak fire lookout tower (the highest point in the Bay Area, a wonderfully relaxing place) and various public relations events.

Meanwhile, satisfying jobs in product management seemed to become much more difficult to find. I’m most at home in smaller companies and turn-around situations. The problem with those is that the company will nearly always either outgrow me or fail. Either way, I was getting laid off every few years. At some point, I decided that I was done with the high-tech industry, at least as a product guy. I am looking at bringing stress management and resilience wisdom from public safety into the private sector. It’s needed.

Ten years ago, I first met Spring Valley Fire Department, which protects about 200,000 acres of wildland east of Milpitas and San Jose. I led a critical incident stress debriefing for firefighters involved in a difficult response to a traffic accident. The debriefing became horribly memorable – I had asked a Santa Clara County firefighter to assist me, but he decided he needed a “mental health day” instead. While we were doing the debriefing, while bicycling, he was struck and killed by racing motorcyclists.

I joined Spring Valley last spring after talking to a couple of the chiefs while I was recruiting for the CAL FIRE VIP program. Since CAL FIRE was hiring me periodically for peer support at big fires, I wanted more training and experience with wildland fire. I didn’t realize that although Spring Valley is primarily a volunteer fire department, our firefighters can work for pay covering CAL FIRE stations when extra help is needed. (This year, a whole lot of help has been needed compared to past years.) I jumped at the opportunity. Meanwhile, I’ve also qualified as a federal firefighter/EMT to be able to work as a fireline EMT for Wilderness Medics, but I’m still waiting for my first assignment.

Along the way, I published the Pocket Guide to Stress Management and Crisis Intervention, which is now used by hundreds of public safety agencies, became an instructor for CISM, CPR and related topics, and I’m working on a book titled “The Resilience Recipe.” I’m thinking the subtitle might be “Your Brain Will Do That,” because it is mostly about how our brains respond to stress and trauma, and what they need in order to bounce back (spoiler – we need physical, social and spiritual connections).

Those are the events that led me here. At the risk of boasting, I’ll say that it’s been difficult, physically and mentally. Wildland firefighting is extremely demanding – we have to be able to do hard work in extreme conditions. At 61, it was no easy task to get in shape to be any good at all (and I won’t pretend that I’m anything more than adequate). To qualify for federal incidents, I had to pass the “Arduous Work Capacity Test” – hike (no running) three miles in 45 minutes carrying a 45-lb. pack. Although it’s not that difficult for a young person in good condition, the first few times I tried it, I wondered if I would ever get there.

When I look back at the physical training I’ve maintained over the last two years – typically hiking 2-3 miles with a heavy pack at least every other day, weight training at the fitness center every other day – I’m somewhat amazed. Although I was a backpacker and rock climber in my 20s and biked to work for a while, regular exercise was never much more than the thought, “I should do that one of these days.”

To be honest, I was somewhat scared into this self-disciple. A couple of years ago, to my surprise, a routine physical showed that I was pre-diabetic. The exercise has really paid off – my blood sugar is nearly normal and my doctor says I’m the healthiest 61-year-old he has seen. That doesn’t mean I can keep up with the 20- and 30-year-olds I’m working with, but I hold my own. And I keep looking for ways to do better. For motivation, all I have to do is recall hiking up a steep hill with a heavy pack at a fire.

In my writing and teaching, I’m focusing on resilience – our ability to bounce back from adversity. I’ve learned that stress and trauma are enemies of resilience because the “alarm center” in our brains, triggered by stress, will drown out our sources of willpower and motivation unless we do things to quiet it.

Without everything I’ve learned and done about managing stress and unpacking the trauma backpack, I’d never have been able to stick to the discipline that has enabled me to beat back diabetes and become a wildland firefighter/EMT at nearly 62 years old.

Who’s disconnected?

February 18, 2018 /

I found hope in a Reader’s Digest article last week about school shootings, just when I needed it. On the day of the Florida shooting (which was also Valentine’s Day – and Ash Wednesday), our crisis intervention team had gotten a call from a school principal, asking if we could send someone to a staff meeting early the next morning. She was concerned because several teachers were having strong reactions to the Florida incident. I spent part of the morning with the staff. I’m usually fairly calm and confident when I lead interventions, but this was different. I was struggling to stay positive. Hope and optimism were difficult to find. How can things really change, I wondered? The calls for gun control have risen up again, stronger than ever, but there are so many guns in circulation that it’s hard to imagine any new law will have a significant impact (not that I’m opposed to trying).

I fear that it is no more likely that gun control will reduce shootings any more than our efforts to control access to narcotics has reduced addiction. Access to either guns or narcotics does not seem to be the important factor. We also need to look at these problems (and many others) as a societal failure to raise resilient people. Violence and drugs are only appealing when important sources of strength, resistance and resilience are lacking.

At the risk of seeming to agree with the NRA’s political absolutism (I do not),  they have a point when they observe that there are other nations with easy access to guns, but people aren’t killing themselves and others as they are here in the United States. Reducing violence by outlawing access to weapons will probably work as well as outlawing narcotics (it hasn’t; addiction is growing, not shrinking).

In nations where narcotics are available over the counter, the rate of addiction is low. The United States used to be one of those countries – until around the turn of the century, narcotics were legal here, often consumed by children and adults, yet few of those people became addicted. In modern times, more than 20 percent of Vietnam vets said they were addicted to heroin, which was easily available there (around 40 percent had tried it), but an overwhelming majority stopped using it – around 95 percent – when they returned home. Similarly, access to guns was even more free in our nation’s early decades than today, but we didn’t have the kind of gun violence of today. Access – to guns or drugs – clearly isn’t the root problem.

The key factor in addiction is social support, many now argue (for more, read Gabor Mate’s In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts). In other words, disconnected people are more likely to turn to and become hooked on narcotics. Most gun violence is being committed by disconnected people (the stereotypical “loner” or bullied person). My writing research has led me to believe that resilience arises in our social, physical and spiritual relationships. The more I understand how we can become disconnected and what it does to our brains, bodies and spirits, the more signs I see that our culture is deeply disconnected. On Thursday, as I heard the frustrations of the staff of a school in a neighborhood with myriad problems and few resources, it was hard to see what might bring about change. But then I found the article, which a friend had posted on Facebook.

This teacher asks her fifth-graders every Friday to write down the names of four classmates with whom they’d like to sit the following week. They also name one student who they see as an exceptional class citizen. What she does with those slips of paper is simply brilliant.


She looks for patterns.

Who is not getting requested by anyone else?

Who can’t think of anyone to 
request?

Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?

Who had a million friends last week and none this week?

She figures out who needs extra attention or coaching, who is a bully and who is bullied. She see who is disconnected from the most crucial source of resilience – social support.

We should be asking why our society is producing an increasing number of people who don’t have effective inhibitions against violence, addiction and other failures of self-regulation. Only when we are realistic (and optimistic) about what we have lost – the connections that make us strong – can we see a path back. Let’s follow the guidance of those who have figured this out. The teacher in this article is one of them.

When did this wise woman begin polling her students? Right after the Columbine school shooting.

Wind-blown tree
Flexibility is as important as strength.

Why I now focus on resilience rather than stress

February 12, 2018 /

My introduction to Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM) was a dozen years ago. A few months after a heartbreaking line of duty death in my extended familys, I realized that it had triggered incidents I was still carrying in my “stress backpack” from my days as a paramedic. Back then, “Suck it up and move on” was the only recognized coping option. I met Janet Childs, the director of the Bay Area CISM Team and we talked through it. I had no idea that she was anything other than a compassionate grief counselor until she invited me to join the CISM team, which I did.

Since then, I have received enough training and experience – many hundreds of interventions – to become an ICISF CISM instructor. I’ve assisted dozens of public safety agencies, sometimes as a volunteer, sometimes paid, when critical incidents strike. I also have returned to the field part-time as a firefighter/EMT, also in a combination volunteer/paid role.

Wind-blown tree

Flexibility is as important as strength.

My view of stress began to change radically at the 2015 fall California Peer Support Association meeting, where one of the speakers (Kirsten Lewis) spoke about and recommended Kelly McGonigal’s book, The Upside of Stress. The very next day, I was back with CAL FIRE friends and colleagues who had been at the conference, responding to the massive Valley Fire began, which had seriously injured several helitack crew members. The things we had just learned made an immediate difference.

  • Stress doesn’t have to be bad for your health. In fact, it is only bad if you think it is.
  • People perform better at many kinds of tasks if they are feeling some stress.
  • It helps to think of stress positively – your brain and body are rising to a challenge.
  • Stop judging your reactions – they happen for a reason.
  • Pursuing meaning is far more important than avoiding stress.
  • “Fight or flight” isn’t the only stress response; we also “tend and befriend.”
  • Caring – choosing to help – creates resilience by activating the tend-and-befriend response.

Resilience and stress can reinforce or tear each other down. Resilient people don’t feel as stressed when life becomes difficult. They may suffer as deeply as others, but they will bounce back faster – and helping people bounce back faster is the primary goal of CISM. On the other hand, experiencing high stress – trauma – lowers our resiliency.

The reason that resilient people don’t feel as much stress is that they see challenges where others see threats. Threats can be physical, social (being excluded) or spiritual (betrayal of values). Less resilient people see permanent and generalized harm – “I’ll never be accepted by others,” while more resilient people think the situation is temporary and specific – “That didn’t work out, but I’ll get over it and try again.”

Seeing challenges instead of threats, which psychologists call “appraisal” is almost surely the reason that stress is only bad for you if you think it is. The idea “stress is toxic” makes it into a threat, rather than a challenge. The idea didn’t even really exist in popular culture until the 1950s, when tobacco companies began funding research intended to sell cigarettes for relaxation, and later to raise doubts about tobacco’s role in cancer and heart disease. “Stress will kill you” has sold a lot of tobacco and pharmaceuticals. But it is only true if you believe it.

When we focus on stress as a bad thing to be avoided or endured, or label incidents “traumatic,” we bring about the very problems we are aiming to prevent – because we push people toward seeing threats when they might have experienced challenges.

If you understand this, the importance of two CISM principles becomes clear:

  • Never intervene based on what happened. Intervene based on how people are reacting.
  • Don’t interfere with natural healing processes. Intervention can make things worse if you send the message, intentionally or not, that the person “should be” traumatized.

After a dozen years focused on stress, I’ve shifted to learning what gives us resilience. I’m not abandoning CISM at all, but by encouraging people to address what is missing from their “resilience recipe,” I believe I can avoid making things worse and be even more supportive.

 

Love is contagious. When I share love, it comes back to me multiplied. - Louise Hay

Resilience is Like the Flu – It is Contagious!

January 21, 2018 /

If you are involved in helping others with stress and trauma, you surely have been taught about “vicarious” or “secondary” trauma. Our brains are wired for empathy, so we feel what others are feeling. People who work with traumatized people begin exhibiting signs and symptoms of traumatic injury themselves. We warn of the risks of compassion fatigue and burnout. However, we rarely acknowledge that resilience is also contagious. Vicarious resilience is as real as vicarious trauma. “Compassion satisfaction” is as real is compassion fatigue.

When we help others who are injured, we become witnesses to their pain and their healing. The more empathetic we are, the more we are motivated and able to help, but that same quality leads us to take on more of others’ emotions. If we focus only on the pain, witnessing can be toxic as that pain takes root within us. If we also see and take in their healing, witnessing can bring that healing and growth within us. Most of us who actively seek to assist others in crisis have been there in one way or another – our own suffering and healing are often a large part of our motivation to serve others. Suffering gives rise to altruism as life takes on more meaning.

Vicarious resilience has been studied mostly in clinicians who work with highly traumatized people (e.g., survivors of torture), but the principles apply to those who are helping as friends or peers. All of us can benefit from remembering – and reminding each other – that being present to othersLove is contagious. When I share love, it comes back to me multiplied. - Louise Hay during tough times is not just a burden we carry out of duty. Even though we can and do hurt for others, we also heal and grow. As painful as some of the stories are, our lives can be enriched by witnessing the healing and growth of those we support. We can be transformed by our friends’ and coworkers’ resiliency, by finding new meaning in life, growing and developing ourselves, as well as knowing that we are of real value to them. Seeing other people bounce back and even grow after trauma can give all of us hope and guidance in coping with our own challenges.

Measuring Vicarious Resilience

The idea of vicarious resilience led to a tool for psychologists to measure it – the Vicarious Resilience Scale. It identifies seven factors:

  • Changes in life goals and perspective;
  • Hope inspired by those being helped;
  • Increased recognition of spirituality as a resource;
  • Increased capacity for resourcefulness;
  • Increased self-awareness and self-care practices;
  • Increased consciousness about power and privilege;
  • Increased capacity for remaining present while listening to painful stories.

In short, paying attention to the positives for others and ourselves when helping can make us better people and to become even more effective at helping others. Seeing yourself through the eyes of the person you are aiding is an effective way to nurture your own resilience.

Embracing the idea of vicarious resilience is yet another way to let go of the toxic myth that stress is harmful and burdensome. Stress only harms us when we fear it.

 

 

 

Connected Hug Faces Human Silhouette Personal

A resilience framework – connecting up, down and around

January 10, 2018 /

All of us are surrounded by sources of strength, resistance and resilience.  The better connected we are, socially, physically and spiritually, the more stress and challenges we can handle.

You’ll see this theme repeated in my classes and writing. For example, last month, I mentioned “Look up, look down, look around,” which is a wildland firefighting safety lesson about watching out for danger, which inspired this way of looking at resilience. In my pocket guide, Stress Management and Crisis Intervention, the theme of connecting in three dimensions repeats – out, in and up; mind, body, spirit; attitudes, activities and values.

Look around and you see social support, which psychologists repeatedly find has the strongest correlation to our resilience under stress and after trauma. Our co-workers, friends, family, mentors and other supportive people are our first line of strength when challenged or psychologically injured.

Look down and you see your body and the earth – your physical presence in creation. Through activities like yoga, exercise, sports, singing and dancing, we build and maintain connections to ourselves and the physical world. Our minds and bodies are inseparably linked when it comes stress. For example, science has found that a physical measurement, heart rate variability (HRV), correlates to both psychological and physical resilience. HRV is amazing in one respect – it doesn’t just measure your resilience, you can actually improve your ability to handle stress through biofeedback that increases your HRV. If that doesn’t convince you of how intimately our minds and bodies are linked, nothing will.

Look up and be reminded that the universe is vaster than we can comprehend, that as much as we can and should try to dissect and understand it, awe and mystery transcend logic and rationality. Spirituality in this context has to do with values and meaning, which often comes from religious beliefs.

(I included links to the Mayo Clinic web site because unlike so many stress management books and articles, they offer advice that embraces all three dimensions. Their books on stress and resilience are among the few that I recommend.)

When you are connected to these sources of strength and resilience, you know them – and they know you – with your body, heart and spirit. This is a kind of knowing that is beyond familiarity, information or even wisdom. It is a knowing that only arises from living in true relationships. It is knowing the way you know your spouse, your work, your community, your beliefs. This is the knowing that you can never completely put into words.

Looking at resilience as the result of our connections is simple and powerful. It explains our hunger for social media, as well as why it doesn’t truly satisfy (the connections are shallow and often deceptive). It shows why one-dimensional “stress management,” which usually focuses only on the physical, rarely succeeds. It helps us know where to focus when our resilience is low.

The biggest obstacle to connecting is distrust, especially when that distrust was learned at a young age. We all learn, to some extent, that we cannot trust other people, the universe or the divine, so we disconnect and become wary. If we have been deeply betrayed, some of these connections can seem threatening, even terrifying.

Distrust keeps us stuck in the “Ds” – discipline, domination, deception, drama, delay, docility, demandingness, or defiance. We are stuck socially when we don’t have people we can be real with. We are physically stuck when our health prevents us from exercising or experiencing nature. When forgiveness seems out of reach, for ourselves or others, we are spiritually stuck.

When we see and choose how to restore and nurture our weakest connections – which can be very difficult – we move from the “Ds” into the “As” – accepting, accompanying, attending, allowing, authenticity, affection, and agreement. The essence of resilience is how well we build and maintain the attitudes, activities and values that feed these qualities.

Guest Post: Emotionless

February 25, 2017 /

This week I had a hard time deciding what I would write about. This is my 10th article, so I guess I wanted to write something special. I decided to write about police work and the toll it takes on a person’s emotions . This is not based on any science or psychological analysis but my own experience. Remember also that every person is different and other police officers might have had different experiences, but I think they will find similarities with my story.

To start off, I would like to say that when I first started out as a front line officer, I was learning a lot from more experienced officers. I would take from these officers what fit my personality and also what would work in the field when dealing with the public. I found that I was the type of person who would connect better with the public, whether complainants, victims or even suspects. I would be to get to know them better and know where they are coming from.

No, not the place they are coming from but what type of life they had and what brought them to this point…so in other words, empathize with them. Well for me to do this and for them to come and trust me, I would need to let a little bit of myself go also. Otherwise it’s one-way communication and you will never get any good rapport with anyone that way.

Then all of a sudden, the pulling and tugging stopped.

So this was the way I decided that I was going to police. It fit my values of life better and when I think about it, it saved me from a few tight situation. For example, one night I was working on the Reserve and keeping a close eye on a beer garden along with a local reserve officer. Close to midnight as we were driving in the parking lot, we were flagged down. One of the patrons was going nuts and wanted to fight everybody. My partner and I got out of our vehicle, approaching the subject of complaint and were going to arrest him then and there. Then all of a sudden, his buddies started tugging on us and we were being circled. The more we fought to arrest the subject, the more we were getting pulled and pushed away from this guy. Then all of a sudden, the pulling and tugging stopped. Well lo and behold, when I turned around, a bunch of people that I had built a rapport with in the past had formed a line and were keeping the subject of complaint’s buddies away from us.

For me to get a rapport of that kind,  I had to let a little bit of my personal past out to them as well. But what happens when you do this is that you start to connect with people and the people you connect with the most are the ones you deal with almost on a daily basis – which are the one you get to arrest on a regular basis! You start to really sympathize with most of them because you start finding out that they are the way they are today because of what happened to them in the past.

I found out that some of them had parents that were alcoholics or only one parent who was an alcoholic and sometimes would roam the streets at 2-3 o’clock in the morning at 6-7 years of age so they wouldn’t see the dad, or boyfriend beat up on their moms. Or that some of them had been sexually assaulted by a parent, an uncle or even grandparents as young as three years of age. A lot of social problems resulted in young kids growing up with having to deal with traumatic events when they were very young . I think some of them wanted a different life but growing up just didn’t know where to turn to for help.

Those became what I call today my “robot years.”

Some of these people I got to connect at a close level ended up committing suicide, including two hockey players I had coached a few years before. That really took a toll on my mental health, although I didn’t realize it at the time. Dealing with these types of situations after awhile, those became what I call today my “robot years.” I would actually go to certain calls and it would be like I was on automatic. I would not care at all about a break-and-enter with minor value stolen. I would take notes, make believe that I was concerned, and then leave and write my report and on to the next call.

I had built a wall so well that I was forgetting what it was like to live life like a regular human being.

The robot years started to carry on during my days off. I still remember my wife telling me years after how she would look at me and it would seem like I was a person that just didn’t have any emotions left. I wasn’t seeing it that way, but now that I reflect back on it, I really didn’t have any emotions left at all. Everything was on a level. No highs and no lows. Just functioning through life… like a robot. I had built a wall so well that I was forgetting what it was like to live life like a regular human being. I still feel the effects today, although I do have glimpses of feeling emotions of happiness and sadness, but not as much as before I joined law enforcement. I feel like I am empty inside. Nothing left. This was actually mirrored to me by a very good friend of mine who also worked 28 years in policing and just recently retired. He told me those exact words. That he felt like he had no emotions left inside. That he was dead inside.

I think as police officers, especially the ones who try to empathize with people that are struggling through life, we try to keep our emotions so much in check when attending calls that our mind starts to think that it is not good to have any emotions. And when you think about it, police officers do have to hold back emotions frequently. We can not start to break down and cry uncontrollably in front of the public at a serious accident scene where kids are deceased. Or in one of my cases, tell a seven-year-old that his mom would be okay and asking a firefighter to bring the kid up the embankment for me as I was with the paramedic attending the mom. Her face was a grayish pale with purple lips. I had a feeling she was badly bleeding internally and the paramedic confirmed my assumptions. She died soon after. I always felt a lot of guilt, even today for lying to that kid. But I just didn’t want him to see his mom this way.

I just want to enjoy the peacefulness that nature brings. That to me is true happiness.

I could go on and on about these types of calls that other police officers and I attended. We are to hold our emotions in on a daily basis. After awhile, you do not want to let go of all those emotions at home. Why would I burden my wife on the violence I witness during my shift? I don’t even want to remember them today. So why would I give this hell to someone I love? Doesn’t make any sense. Today, I find a lot of peacefulness and happiness just walking in the woods with my dog. Even though my wife tags along with me at times, she knows that sometimes, I just don’t want to talk. I just want to enjoy the peacefulness that nature brings. That to me is true happiness.

Thank you for those taking the time to read my articles. Please share to whomever you feel could benefit from them. I would really appreciate that. Until next week. Stay safe my friends. 🙂

Norm

Article: How One Paramedic is Recovering from PTSD

January 25, 2017 /

The Journal of Emergency Medical Services has published the PTSD recovery story of Benjamin Vernon, a paramedic/firefighter in San Diego. Vernon and his partner who was knifed by a bystander during an ordinary call. He describes the attack, recovery and the nightmares – a word he says isn’t strong enough – that followed. Unfortunately, the therapist he saw had never treated a firefighter or a victim of workplace violence.

“On the fifth day, I finally understood suicide,” Vernon writes.

The story ends well – he finds a competent therapist (whom he’s still seeing weekly) and receives EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which he describes as “the coolest Voodoo.” (It’s also sometimes called “FM” for “F%&#ing Magic.”)

Article: You Can Improve Your Default Response to Stress

January 6, 2017 /

The Harvard Business Review has published an article by Michelle Gielan (a positive psychology researcher married to Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage), describing how our response to stress matters more than what happened to cause it.

Our perception of an event – what psychologists call appraisal – makes a big difference in our emotional and physical reactions. If we see a threat, our stress response will be negative. If we see a challenge instead, stress is an ally helping us rise to the occasion. Gielan reports on the results of a study by Plasticity Labs that shows how we can change our response. There are three keys, she says.

  • Cool under pressure.
  • Open communications.
  • Active problem-solving.

People with poor stress management fall into two categories, Gielan suggests, which she calls “Venters” and “Five Alarmers.”  Venters are the people who are quite open about their stress, but they are not cool under pressure and not good problem-solvers. Five Alarmers also share their stress, but they are better able to take action. However, they make no distinction between small and large stresses. They are headed toward burnout, exhaustion and guilt.

Gielan calls people with a healthy, adaptive response to stress “Calm Responders” – they express their stress, but aren’t overwhelmed by it.

The good news is that we really can change how we respond.

« Older posts

Contribute

Help ensure that this work will continue by making a donation today.

© 2026 Through the Smoke

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑